Do I Need a “Sleep Divorce”?

Written By Luisa Palloni

Okay, it’s not as bad as it sounds. The term '“sleep divorce” is relatively recent (thought to have first appeared in a 2013 article in the Huffington Post), but the concept has been around for many years. What was once considered taboo has been getting a lot of attention in the past several months, making it a more widely acceptable option. So what is it? A sleep divorce refers to sleeping in a different bed or even a different room than your partner in order to improve sleep for one or both partners.

For anyone who has shared a bed with another person (or pet), the idea behind this is pretty obvious. Noises and movements can disrupt your sleep, especially if you are a light sleeper. And if you have different sleep schedules or habits (e.g. your partner comes to bed after you or turns on a light to read), this has the potential to break up your sleep even more. By moving to another space to sleep, you are less likely to experience disruptions that wake you up during the night.

A related version of this, dubbed the “Scandinavian sleep method”, involves sleeping in the same bed as your partner but with separate covers. This allows you to stay physically close, but removes the risk of getting the covers pulled off of you during the night. It also gives each individual the opportunity to customize their covers to maximize personal comfort (e.g. lighter blankets for hot sleepers).

If you’re worried that wanting to sleep separately from your partner is unusual, or that it’s a sign that something is going wrong in your relationship, know that this is more common than you may think. A 2024 survey commissioned by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) found that 13% of American adults sleep in another bed in the same bedroom as their partner, and 21% sleep in an entirely different space in order to accommodate their partner. It may come as no surprise that when broken down by generation, this is much more common for Gen Z and Millennials than it is for older generations. For many, this is now thought of as a healthy way to improve sleep and prioritize self-care.

If you are interested in trying any of these options, consider which would best suit your personal situation. If the primary cause of your nighttime awakenings is that you are cold because the covers have been stolen, you can try separate covers first as this is the simplest intervention. Realistically, many people don’t have an alternate bed or room to sleep in, so this may also be the only feasible option. If it is a possibility for you and bed movement is the problem, separate beds may be your next move. If snoring or light from a lamp or electronics is causing issues, you can try separate rooms. Unfortunately, sleeping in separate beds or rooms removes the closeness and intimacy that you and your significant other may otherwise feel when you sleep in the same bed. However, some would argue that a good night of sleep helps them feel less irritable with their partner during the day, resulting in an overall improvement in their relationship.

When it comes to your sleeping arrangements, there are pros and cons to any decision you make, so you should weigh these and make the decision that you (and your partner) feel most comfortable with. There’s no wrong decision here, but it is important to have a discussion with your significant other to make sure you are on the same page. Some people find that their partner is willing to change their bedtime habits or shift their routine to help you get better sleep, lessening the need for a sleep divorce. Even if this is the case, there are some disruptions, such as snoring, that may be outside of anyone’s control.

For a sleep divorce, two beds can be placed close together, far apart, or even in separate rooms.

To some, a sleep divorce sounds pretty great, but will it solve all your sleep problems? That depends. It won’t result in improved sleep for everyone who tries it, so it’s possible that you will find that it’s not a great fit for you. For others, it may have the desired effect of reducing the number of total nighttime awakenings. If this is the case for you, and you are generally able to fall back asleep quickly when you are woken up, that’s great! However, if it consistently takes more than 30 minutes for you to fall back asleep, you may have a larger issue that needs to be addressed by a sleep specialist.

While it won’t work for everyone, there’s no shame in trying a sleep divorce. In fact, your mood, health, and even your relationship may become stronger because of it!

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. The content provided is meant to offer general information and should not be used as a replacement for individualized care from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in need of support, please seek assistance from a qualified therapist or healthcare provider.

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Luisa Palloni
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